Two and a Half Men - Season 1: Episode 1

Episode Title: Pilot

Air Date:

22 September 2003

Genre

Comedy

Episode Description

Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.

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Big Flappy Bastards

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

Phase One, Complete

Merry Thanksgiving

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Sarah Like Puny Alan

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

That Was Saliva, Alan

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

An Old Flame with a New Wick

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

No Sniffing, No Wowing

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Just Like Buffalo

Can You Feel My Finger?

Back Off, Mary Poppins

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

A Bag Full of Jawea

Go Get Mommy's Bra

Bad News from the Clinic?

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

The Salmon Under My Sweater

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

A Lungful of Alan

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

Smell the Umbrella Stand

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

It Was Mame, Mom

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

Does This Smell Funny to You?

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

We Called It Mr. Pinky

Hi, Mr. Horned One

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

That Voodoo That I Do Do

Madame and Her Special Friend

Something Salted and Twisted

Santa's Village of the Damned

That Special Tug

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

My Tongue is Meat

Ergo, the Booty Call

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

And the Plot Moistens

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

Arguments for the Quickie

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

Working for Caligula

Who's Vod Kanockers?

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

A Pot Smoking Monkey

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

Apologies for the Frivolity

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

Release the Dogs

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Walnuts and Demerol

Castrating Sheep in Montana

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

My Damn Stalker

Young People Have Phlegm Too

I Merely Slept with a Commie

It Never Rains in Hooterville

Smooth as a Ken Doll

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Prostitutes and Gelato

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

City of Great Racks

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

Kinda Like Necrophilia

Meander to Your Dander

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

The Soil Is Moist

Winky-Dink Time

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty

Fish in a Drawer

If My Hole Could Talk

Waiting for the Right Snapper

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

The Flavin' and the Mavin'

A Jock Strap in Hell

It's Always Nazi Week

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

Pinocchio's Mouth

The Mooch at the Boo

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

The Devil's Lube

Thank God for Scoliosis

I Think You Offended Don

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

My Son's Enormous Head

The Two Finger Rule

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

Above Exalted Cyclops

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

For the Sake of the Child

Give Me Your Thumb

Untainted by Filth

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

Warning, It's Dirty

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Yay, No Polyps!

Crude and Uncalled For (1)

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)

Tinkle Like a Princess

I Found Your Moustache

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

I Called Him Magoo

Gumby with a Pokey

This Is Not Gonna End Well

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Springtime on a Stick

A Good Time in Central Africa

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Dead from the Waist Down

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

That Darn Priest

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

People Who Love Peepholes

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Nine Magic Fingers

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

The Squat and the Hover

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Thank You for the Intercourse

Frodo's Headshots

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

What a Lovely Landing Strip

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

A Possum on Chemo

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

Not in My Mouth!

The War Against Gingivitis

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Why We Gave Up Women

The Straw in My Donut Hole

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

A Big Bag of Dog

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

Ferrets, Attack!

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

Something My Gynecologist Said

I Scream When I Pee

One Nut Johnson

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

Welcome to Alancrest

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

Bazinga! That's From a TV Show

Another Night with Neil Diamond

My Bodacious Vidalia

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

Nangnangnangnang

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

This Unblessed Biscuit

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

Bite Me, Supreme Court

Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

Welcome Home, Jake

West Side Story

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

The Ol' Mexican Spinach

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

Glamping in a Yurt

Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Alan Shot a Little Girl

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Here I Come, Pants!

For Whom the Booty Calls

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

Boompa Loved His Hookers

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Of Course He's Dead (1)

Of Course He's Dead (2)

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